This might be the best song in the history of music.
Winter News
Local Woman Sets All-Time Record For "Bitching About How Goddamn Cold it is Outside."
Edith Wharton Gladstone, 73, of Lansdowne, Pennsylvania, recently set a little known world record by complaining to her husband, Ernest Philip Gladstone, 79, also of Lansdowne, eighty-three times in one twenty-four hour period about "how goddamn cold it is outside."
Her husband, who is legally deaf, was quoted as saying, "She did what? Thank God I'm deaf."
The previous record was held by Janet Covington of Red Hook, NY, who complained seventy-four times in a twenty-four hour period.
Mrs. and Mrs. Gladstone received an all-expenses-paid trip to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Upon their arrival, Mrs. Gladstone immediately set a record for bitching about "how goddamn hot it is outside."
Countdown to the Apocolypse - Election '08
(The crowd didn't know what to make of Edwards' awkward happiness and bizarre smile upon his drop-out announcement.)
John Edwards to Redouble His Efforts in His Campaign to Become Vice President
"Obviously, that's the office that I've been gunning for all this time, anyway," said an awkwardly enthusiastic Edwards at his drop-out/non-drop-out concession speech Wednesday.
"I look forward to continuing the blatant pandering that I've been doing - Hillary, I love your pant suits and experience - Barack, you're the real candidate for change," Edwards continued.
"If you'll excuse me, I have a lot of ass-kissing to do."
(President George W. Bush smirks while discussing the tattered remains of the country he has horribly mismanaged for the past 8 years)
Bush Gives Final State of the Union Address
Post-speech echoes heard throughout Capitol Building as the ghosts of our forefathers breathe long-awaited sigh of relief.
(Miss Clinton relishes her new role in her mother's campaign)
Chelsea Clinton to Take On New Role in Mother's Presidential Campaign
The youngest Clinton is now set to perch high on the eaves of all buildings in which her mother is giving speeches in order to ward off evil spirits.*
* This joke was sponsored by the Gargoyle Enthusiasts of America.
Monday, January 7, 2008
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