Winter News


Local Woman Sets All-Time Record For "Bitching About How Goddamn Cold it is Outside."

Edith Wharton Gladstone, 73, of Lansdowne, Pennsylvania, recently set a little known world record by complaining to her husband, Ernest Philip Gladstone, 79, also of Lansdowne, eighty-three times in one twenty-four hour period about "how goddamn cold it is outside."

Her husband, who is legally deaf, was quoted as saying, "She did what? Thank God I'm deaf."

The previous record was held by Janet Covington of Red Hook, NY, who complained seventy-four times in a twenty-four hour period.

Mrs. and Mrs. Gladstone received an all-expenses-paid trip to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Upon their arrival, Mrs. Gladstone immediately set a record for bitching about "how goddamn hot it is outside."

Countdown to the Apocolypse - Election '08


(The crowd didn't know what to make of Edwards' awkward happiness and bizarre smile upon his drop-out announcement.)

John Edwards to Redouble His Efforts in His Campaign to Become Vice President

"Obviously, that's the office that I've been gunning for all this time, anyway," said an awkwardly enthusiastic Edwards at his drop-out/non-drop-out concession speech Wednesday.

"I look forward to continuing the blatant pandering that I've been doing - Hillary, I love your pant suits and experience - Barack, you're the real candidate for change," Edwards continued.

"If you'll excuse me, I have a lot of ass-kissing to do."


(President George W. Bush smirks while discussing the tattered remains of the country he has horribly mismanaged for the past 8 years)

Bush Gives Final State of the Union Address

Post-speech echoes heard throughout Capitol Building as the ghosts of our forefathers breathe long-awaited sigh of relief.


(Miss Clinton relishes her new role in her mother's campaign)

Chelsea Clinton to Take On New Role in Mother's Presidential Campaign

The youngest Clinton is now set to perch high on the eaves of all buildings in which her mother is giving speeches in order to ward off evil spirits.*

* This joke was sponsored by the Gargoyle Enthusiasts of America.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Letter 'V' Sues the Letter 'U' and The Original Inventors of the English Alphabet

THE LETTER 'V' V. THE LETTER 'U' AND THE ORIGINAL INVENTORS OF THE ENGLISH ALPHABET

OPENING TRANSCRIPTS, 12-19-07
CASE NO. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ - 1

STATE OF NEW YORK, COUNTY OF NEW YORK

IN THE CIRCUIT COURT OF NEW YORK, NEW YORK
NEIGHBORHOOD DEPARTMENT - SESAME STREET MUNICIPAL DIVISION

THE LETTER 'V', Plaintiff,

-V- No. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVQXYZ - 1

THE LETTER 'U' AND THE ORIGINAL INVENTORS OF THE ENGLISH ALPHABET, Defendant.

EXCERPT OF REPORT OF PROCEEDINGS of the trial before the Honorable SHERLOCK HEMLOCK, Judge of said Court, on the 19th day of December 2007.

APPEARANCES:
RANDOM NEIGHBORHOOD LADY, MS. LINDA, on behalf of the Plaintiff;
1000 YEAR OLD ANGLO-SAXON WORDSMITHS, ARCWELLEN ERIKSSON & GRINDAN THE RED, on behalf of the Defendant.

Prairie Dawn - C.S.R. 12-345
Official Court Reporter

INDEX
December 19, 2007

Opening Statement by MS. MARIA 111
Opening Statement by MR. GRINDAN THE RED 113

OPENING STATEMENT

BY MS. MARIA

Thank you, Judge. Good afternoon.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this case is really very simple. My client - and good friend - the letter 'V' believes that the letter 'U' stole something from him. And as we all know, it's wrong to steal from others.

Let's say that I have a delicious red apple. I put it in my lunchbox and place it on the shelf. While I am taking my nap, someone takes my apple and eats it without asking me. Well, that's just wrong. It's basic manners. We have a song about that.

(singing) Oh, there are chickens in the trees,
There are chickens in the trees!
Won't you listen to me, please?
There are...ahem...

I apologize - that's not the right song. Uh, well, anyway, everyone knows that it's wrong to steal.

Fortunately, we're not talking about my delicious apple. What we're talking about here is something that is rectifiable. You can't un-eat an apple - but you can fix this situation.

During my 35 years working on Sesame Street, I have become familiar with the alphabet. Very familiar, indeed.. I would consider myself somewhat of an expert. For instance, I know that the letter 'E' falls between 'D' and 'F' and understand the complexities and difficulties of what we on "The Street" know as the "L-M-N-O-P" corollary. I can recognize all the different letters by both their shapes and their sounds. But one letter has always confounded me.

This would be the letter 'W.'

Why on earth would it be called "Double-U" when it obviously looks like two 'Vs' placed side by side? The letter 'U' obviously exerted its considerable influence on the original creators of the English - or at the time Anglo-Saxon - alphabet and stole something that should have rightfully been the letter 'V's' - another letter named after him. The letter 'W' should not be pronounced "Double-You" - it should rightfully be called "Double-Vee!"

We demand that this grave injustice be rectified and both the letter 'U' and the original creators of the English alphabet be punished. Thank you. This opening statement has been brought to you by the letter 'V.'

And the numbers 8 and the color orange.

THE COURT: Thank you, Ms. Maria. Defense, you may proceed.

OPENING STATEMENT BY MR. GRINDAN THE RED

'V' is liar! I will smash with fists and slash with broadsword!

The horsecart operators will be forced to abandon their steeds to certain death by drowning - IN THE RIVERS OF BLOOD THAT WILL FLOOD THE STREETS!
THE COURT: Okay. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We will begin evidence proceedings tomorrow.
Thunk up and writ down by at

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